I Approve of This Message

Ahem. Attention President Obama and Gov. Romney. I would like to make the following announcement.

Thanks to early voting in Ohio (which you have so graciously reminded me about every 7.4 seconds), I have already cast my vote for the Boardman Precinct 23 liquor option and … oh, yes … the presidential election.

NOW LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

Nothing personal, really. It must be difficult knowing 43 percent of the country hates you. (That falls within the plus/minus 5 percentage margin of error.) Perhaps, after the election, you can share in a teachable moment. The president can have a non-alcoholic beer and the governor a bowl of bran. (Who knows what the heck Mormons are allowed to eat or drink. Bran, I’m pretty sure, is safe. Again, I could be mistaken.)

I really want the phone calls from you, your wives, your political action committees, your union/nonunion supporters, your political polling groups and Jews for Jesus to stop. My wife – in her best Barack Obama impersonation (which sounds more like W.C. Fields) – left a message on our answering machine and urged me to vote for you. I have placed a restraining order against her.

Whoever wins will be my president, and I’m good with that. Either one of you will lead the nation down a slippery slope into the apocalypse, hosted by Jersey Shore’s Snooki. (That’s all I know about the show. I swear! Just not in front of a Mormon.) Chances are an Obama health care death panel will deny me aspirin or Donnie and Marie Osmond (both Mormons don’t you know) will sing happy songs. In either case, I will die.

Good luck. God bless. Get. Go.

My name is Pat Litowitz, and I approve of this message.

I also approve of cheesecake, green seedless grapes, my family (being generous here), comic books, flights of fancy, shiny things, talkingreallyfastjusttoscrewwithpeople’sheads, zigging, Suduko, zagging, James Bond, Capt. Kirk, Mr. Spock, toast and ketchup, macaroni and cheese with ketchup, mashed potatoes and ketchup, ketchup (but it has to Heinz), day-old bagels, I Dream of Jeanie (Mary Ann and Ginger), walking in the rain and the snow when’s there nowhere to go, Charlie Chaplin, Dr. Who, math, crayons, Scooby Doo, hugging my daughter and snuggling with my wife – when the restraining order is lifted.